Trigger warning: Seems I do trigger warnings a bit on this blog! Sorry! This one has references to health issues.
There are moments in life that you realise you must call time on things. And recently for me, I came to one. I seem to be finding more and more of these as I get older.
For the past couple of years, I’ve been undergoing diagnosis for a Neurological disorder whereby I lose my balance, my memory, cognitive function, fatigue, get weakness, lose feeling in my arms and legs and have pain in various places. Tests have ranged from things like MRI’s to evoked potential tests on my eyes and arms / legs to test nerve function.
I am on constant painkillers to keep things under control, but various things cause the symptoms to surge - such as over exertion, and alcohol - all this means I’ve learnt to moderate a LOT of what I do to let me keep going. Normally, you wouldn’t know a thing at all, but sometimes I have a bad day.
Past 6 months I’ve also been getting spams - both trembling in hands, arms etc, but also tightening in the chest, and issues at times swallowing.
So what has this all got to do with calling time?
I love old cars. I have a Subaru Impreza. 1996. Love it. Well. I had. Until this week. It has gotten to the point I cannot comfortably drive it, with the heavy clutches they have. I can no longer work on it myself given I have limited feeling and dexterity most of the time - even on a good day. It has gotten to the point that the constant amount of money it takes to maintain something like that, and mental toll and effort to fight the parts it needs regularly is just too much. And I can’t keep doing it. So it was time to make the hard choice to let the car of my childhood dreams go. I have been lucky enough to have owned two of them in my lifetime, and that will have to satisfy me for my remaining years.
I’d been putting off this decision for months. Pretty much over winter, while it was getting things like the steering rack replaced and so on. Because I didn’t want to admit to myself how the decline had occurred, how things actually had gotten on those bad days (which while still rare, seem to be getting more frequent or prolonged spells).
And this is likely only just the beginning of the health journey for me, from what the Neurologist is saying. Those that know these symptoms will probably have already matched them to a couple of possibilities, so will know what’s in store assuming it pans out that way. More tests follow, been recalled to the hospital so time will tell. My therapist did say I needed to be open about this health stuff to my family and friends … I wonder if this post counts.
Thankfully … remote work contracts exist, and I’m perfectly able to work ;) I just need to find a different outlet for life. I guess I need to go back to development as a hobby as there’s not much else to do in an evening now.